Surfing with a Purpose

Whoa, that’s insane. I cant even think of that. I will pray for him, at least try to if I don’t forget. how do I forget things like that, to pray for people?!?!? its like there is something set against me... myself? lack of self discipline, priorities, control, passion? A lack of compassion for the people all around me who are hurting. How do I relate to them? Nothing like that has ever happened to me and looking from the outside at my life it seems like I’m on top of the world. I live in a nice house, I surf a lot, its warm outside, I have a nice truck, a good well paying job that I love doing,, surfboards, good friends, a girl friend, awesome churches and bible studies all week every week filled with cool people who love me and are loved. How do I prove to someone in that place that I honestly believe that all I have is from God and none is earned on my own and that all I have is because of God being in my life. They see me and say: “you just do all that God stuff because your life is good and you can afford to spend time at social events like that, you read the bible so you can find ways to better yourself and earn a higher and greater name in the town as a good guy who is helpful and nice to everyone, do you do volunteer work too? I know lots of Christians do that stuff. What activities do you play in your youth group? My church gives you stars if you really good at memorizing bible verses.” but that’s not how it is, I am honestly grateful totally dependent on God for everything, this next breath… that’s something I was taught while being alone a lot in Costa Rica last winter, I only live because He wills that I should wake up tomorrow and have ability to breath and work and surf and speak and write and love people. If God did not want me here I would be dead, or maybe even never created at all. So, outwardly I have it all together and my life is a peace of cake, with extra frosting and endless plates served to me. Is that true? No. my war is against myself. Against my flesh as I desire to live a life worthy of the calling I have received, holiness, purity, mercy, a new creation, LIGHT. What happens when through the veil of my blissful life I see the war inside me. It brings me down, I bring myself down. I question Gods control over all that is in me. I know he is in control because I ask him to take over and he is faithful to his word being that nothing I cant handle will be aloud to test me. I believe this because it is written. What happens when I feel like I’m slipping and it is out of my control, internal things, thoughts, motives?, desires, plans… all the stuff that no one knows about unless I choose to let it overflow into my physical life. To other believers (real ones) I’m totally transparent when I’ve blown it or something is lingering over me. They know. Over this summer I’ve seen much control and discipline be returned or re-created in me. Every day I pray that God would give me a new heart so I can live without guilt. New mercy every day. Somewhere along my train wreck lines (april-june) I lost hope in Gods new mercy because I felt so far from purity and didn’t want to start over. I wanted to be back where I was before, close to my creator, in fellowship. Now I see so many things that I have learned and things that have been burned out of me. I was bummed in the first place because I felt like I was not living up to my potential in godliness, so it caused more bad attitudes and actions. I watched myself slowly but obviously become calloused to the lust and selfishness of the world, compromise, selfishness is what it comes down too. I was being selfish and that was a root/foothold for the enemy to take hold of me. I dropped my sword (word) because I quit hoping for deliverance from my “self chains” that held me from being with God. The three months of choices seemingly out of my control lead up to three days of no sleep and giving up caring about anything , myself or other people. I was a failure to God, I lost the war against myself at least in my thinking. Whether or not God was actually in control of all the effectors that lead to the affect , I do not know. But I do know that He made good come out of it. After no sleep and hating everything including seeing anyone at all there was no purpose for me to be alive. I was not living for God, I was totally lost but it was worse than before because now I knew what it was to live and be saved. I was dead again, I lost my job, quit taking care of my body and mind, spent two days deciding weather or not to remove myself from my empty failed existence and scaring some close friends I had had enough. I prayed at 4:30 am in my truck at the beach that if God was real and was in control I needed to know now and if not then I was going to kill myself. Now I was truly crying out to the God of heaven and through all my doubt and sin and shame and disgusting hatred of myself I heard God whisper peace into me. Praying in tears I knew He said “yes, I’m still in charge of everything on the face of this planet, even you Jon” I felt peace and a second of reassuring closeness that I knew so well. I realized that through all the time I spent angry at myself for not being who I am in Christ, my heart never stopped worshiping Him and I remembered that nothing NOTHING nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. Fire? Not totally, in the beginning yes but my choices brought confusion and half heartedness to my being. Yet God again showing grace surpassing my understanding choose to overrule my choices and bring refining from my sin. A big chunk of my pride fell out, more than I knew was in there, more than I wanted to believe was in there. My weaknesses were set on fire and they were seen really easily especially to me. I am now more aware of my total dependence on Jesus as savior and Lord. I am more aware of the choices I make every second of every day knowing that I’m as close to God as I want to be regarding how I live. I have the strength to overcome if I will take up my cross and live. Now I am alive, life seems to good until I look inside myself. Until I let Christ shine on me so I can wake up and live in his strength rather than being part self sufficient. I tried life without him for 16 years, then again for three days, the end result of both seasons is me in awe that I am alive to write this. I said that I searched for reason to live over those two days, honestly, I didn’t find one that I cared enough about to continue living. God is so good to me. God is light and in him is no darkness at all. Every part of me was dark, except my heart because that is new and darkness will never penetrate light. He lives in me.

i didnt plan to write all that but whatev.. . hope it helps someone. love you guys, seriously God is Awesome.